Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Male Abandonment

well...I have been thinking strangely enough about why I do not have the ability to desire relationships that are longer than the time that it takes to pull up my pants! and only really have "drive by shags"!. This I put down to possibly two events that have occurred in my life, the first my fathers death which happened 10 years ago from cancer which left me traumatised and literally made me realise that I had to grow up and finally be a man!. The loss of my father could have resulted in a psychological reaction which in some way on a sub-conscious level made me in a way think that all men are going to leave me sooner or later, so it would be better for me to take control and not go through all the heartache and just engage in fleeting physical contacts with men!.
The second possible theory is that my only long relationship that I had which lasted two years and ended ten years ago when my boyfriend was incarcerated because of his drug manufacturing habits! was a blessing for me because it gave me thinking time and a new perspective on the relationship!

In retrospect I do not know what I found sexually attractive about this guy and now feel that in some way I was suffering from a lack of judgement and a blindness to the truth, the guy was hopeless in bed ,he only liked vanilla sex,made me feel like a whore, never took me out to dinner , and also had another boyfriend who also shared our bed!!!

I'm not bitter because at the Manchester Gay Pride in the Hollywood Showbar he walked in with this current boyfriend looking extremely fat and acting un-characteristically camp and his face resembled a baboons arsehole!!
So really the two events could combine to produce what I am today..sad really that I am
left feeling emotionally isolated and with emotional scaring!.

Friday, 12 October 2007


RIGHT OK!!!! I am now so pissed off that I could literally smash my lap top up and think nothing of it!! WHY! ask ,well now to add to my ever increasing anxiety's I can no longer use youtube!!!! they keep asking me to install the flash player and of course I try to install it but it has stopped working with firefox,but it seems to work in internet explorer ok which I dont use !! I have tried for two days and I am nearing the brink of insanity and will probably explode over the weekend! IF anyone who reads this is a magician PLEASE comment with suggestions and I will gratefully give unlimited pleasure to for a WHOLE WEEK if you can successful solve the problem for me!!....or you can simply leave me a comment of love to cheer me up! XOXO

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Dirty Fukker

well..spent the day doing photoshop and chatting to online friends,so the day was ok...thought that I would talk about one of my friends who I met on myspace.He owns the underwear company Dirty Fukker and after reading my blog about the disaster with Ginch Gonch he sent me a message saying that he will send me a free pair of his..well not his personal pair...mmmm...would be nice though..but brand new nice is that!!!.

So today I have chatted with him about personal matters which were troubling me and because of his advice I am cheered up and more focussed!!He's a totally wonderful and caring person and glad to have him as a dont find many good and warm hearted people in this world...I can tell you. so to you J..I thank you. xx

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Matteo Trisolini

Right I have been thinking ..and thats an amazing thing in itself!..I am going to use this blog space to post my thoughts and ideas in a more private way! ..if thats possible?. I use myspace to post the same blog as here but because I have thoughts about people who are familiar with myspace I start to self-censorship!.Ending up with a contain blog where some things are not said and I am left feeling that I have limited myself!
I admire the way certain people like Matteo Trisolini produce their blogs, they have a familiar and personal signature (I know that is the point of a blog) but the way he writes with character is amazing and to be admired ,just like his wonderful photography and his spirit and strength and his love for the people around him!